for the sake of ......wutever

Ok I confess...I own up to it.....this is the single most embarrassing thing that I have ever done....I don't usually do things like this.....I mean come on....I am (Gulp) 3....5 in 5 days yes that's right people 3teee5 in five freakin days. That isn't the worst part...that's right I (gulp) have done something that I can't believe myself.

Now keep in mind the act of me sitting still for longer than one episode of Grey's Anatomy is usually very rare, my medicated brain is hyper all of the time from the steroids that they keep pumping into my system. I tried very hard to watch movies I even attempted to "watch" the movie version of this book (yeah ok its a book we are talking about) BUT the movie version lapsed me into a hyper-active fit of massive proportions; causing Squirt and Tobi Boi to hide in Squirt's room.

Ok now brace yourself - I have read Twilight twice. That's right.....twice. The melancholy brooding teenage wannabe love story has hooked me into it's words. and yet I will likely do the same to the next one. These stories are geared towards teenage girls and it is a love story but not really....and yet it is a love that most of us hope for. The movie was dull; dry; ridiculous and missed some of the important parts of the entire story...at least from what I could tell...I gave up after the first 40 mins.

On the Hippie front - my first produce box arrived last night. I was a little concerned about this because you are never sure what you get. Well let me tell you my loves....the produce that arrived on my door step was not only in great shape but it was the tastiest stuff (so far). I suckered Squirt into taking a picture of the goodies.....but we can't seem to get it from his DSi to the computer.....as soon as we do I will post the picture. This simple thing has helped to transform a major part of my life....I have a growing boy who requires a lot of nutrition to help him keep growing....so I usually spend a major part of the weekends shopping (most of it being produce)...even when I have no energy left.

J is still with us. I loaded my Ipod with a ton of our favorite songs and had been playing it for him every time I go. I could bore you with technical stuff but let's just say....he has been showing improvements. I have a feeling that he is at least waiting around to see as I have a nervous breakdown over getting old....he always laughed at me about this because on more than one occasion I have turned flighty/girlie on my birthday.

I have lost my way.....

Somewhere along this road we call life something stopped. A purpose, a drive....I can't quite put my finger on it but it has stopped. This is where I do all of the checks, like a check engine light is on so time to look......

My post traumatic stress disorder has reared its ugly head since J's return from a month long stay in a hospital overseas. Irony at its best dictated that he came home on Remembrance Day (also the day his driver was laid to rest). My hero fallen by a random explosion is just a shell of what he was and seeing him going through this has caused me to suffer, mostly because I am such an open and compassionate person that I don't have the defenses to protect myself from it.( I am aware of this and yet don't want to let go of it in order to change it) No one could have predicted this change, not even me. There was no way I could have braced myself for the impact and to make matters worse, almost like he was waiting to know I was there he has started to slip from this fragile thing called life. The Buddhist in me wants to celebrate what an amazing life and person he is, but the selfish fragile person who needs to be protected wants him to sit up and argue with me just once.

It's back to Chemo Daycare this week, when I am there I can't help but notice how much better I seem to be doing than the others around me. It scares me to think that things could seriously be worse. I am still getting beaten down by the chemicals surging through my body but I seem to be managing it ok.

I am officially dropping off my portfolio for this new position today. I am nervous and excited and hopeful. It would mean no longer working for myself but actually working for the Government and getting paid the money I so deserve...I would also have pension/benefits/insurance and disability. All things that would seriously change our lives.

This is all huge and for the first time I am allowing myself to be fragile and try to work through the emotions that I am going through on a daily basis. I still have my moments, but I still fight to find reasons to laugh.

I have recently signed up for a service that would make my life so much easier! It's a delivery service that brings fresh and locally grown organic produce right to your door. The prices are incredible and the simplicity couldn't have come at a better time. They are bringing the first delivery on Weds, I will tell you more then.

Smarty pants needed

Enough is enough people. I give in.... I need to have a project to help keep me focused and out of the vortex of depression. So a friend of mine and I were talking about coming up with a t-shirt design for cancer patients and their support systems.

The front would read......."the happiest cancer patient in the world"

and then the idea would be to have a list of the top ten reasons to be a happy cancer patient....and to make those reasons kind of catchy and witty.

Things like;

• No more haircuts and shampoo means I get to spend money on frivolous things
• I can blame random mood swings and neurotic tendencies on cancer
• Random nap times can't be judged but encouraged
• luxurious bubble baths are actually meant to ease aches and pains

So people what do you think? The point to all of this is to get some t-shirts made up and make up some small cancer daycare survival baskets and sell them and have all of the proceeds go to Cancer Care Manitoba. The catch is I am having troubles coming up with other random reasons why to be happy about cancer daycare. So I turn to my witty verbose Internet loves and see if we can all come up with some good ones. (Maybe even a little mascot idea or two? )

Dear D,

When I close my eyes I can feel the crisp white air of winter (that I used to hate) but learned to love when you came into my life. I miss waking up to a fresh coat of snow and knowing that you were out with your snow blower already and doing not only your driveway but everyone else's. You would come in all sweaty and walking with a sense of pride and that's when you would wrap your giant farm boy hockey arms around me and in that moment I never felt more love.

Winter is in the air and today I feel lost without you. You always had a way to fix everything. I am pretty sure you would be proud of how I have been handling life. I know that you would laugh at my antics with this iv; you always knew how to put the light on the things that I couldn't see and the clumsy way I stumbled through things. Yes I know I am supposed to be this tough kid who can take on the world, but today all I want is for one person to say its going to be ok and for me to believe them like I almost always believed you.